We don't always realize when life's pivotal moments will come. Sometimes we don't even know they've happened until they're already over.
I feel like the last year or so has been leading up to this week; or that the last several years have been leading up to these few months. It's hard to describe- like something magical is about to happen, but I get to decide whether or not it happens. I feel like I'm in control of my destiny, and yet I feel like the fact that the future is entirely unknown is exciting. Just sitting here thinking about it has my adrenaline rushing, in a good way. Like my spirit has been awoken and my soul has been renewed, but I don't even know why.
It's hard for me to admit this, but I'm pretty certain I had depression. I say "pretty certain" because I was never officially diagnosed since I didn't have health insurance to see a doctor, but several people who are close to me said that they believe that's what I was suffering from. I did a lot of reading and found out that I had all but one of the symptoms (according to Depression for Dummies, I had probably been suffering from it for years). It was at it's worst a few months ago, and I had thoughts about myself that I will never repeat.
But now, I feel alive again. I've been reflecting on this as I drink one of my new favorites, peppermint tea, and listening to a great playlist. I feel like I've been sitting in a dark room and I finally figured out where the light switch is, letting brightness in. I feel like I'm ready to let go of my past mistakes (there's a lot of them, but we don't need to go into detail right now) and move on. I think I'm so ready for the future, and excited to just let myself be happy being me.
I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be my year. I intend to release three or four more books, including my memoir, before the end of the year (and at this rate, probably more). I also feel that this year I'm going to reach my goal weight and learn how to dance (yay, more to blog about). Last but not least, I want to start acting professionally again (I miss it so much- I did a Solo show in December, but it's been almost a year since I've performed in something I didn't write). There's no reason why I can't be a WRITER and an ACTRESS! Both are such deep-rooted passions of mine, and both fulfill me endlessly. I'm focusing on writing right now so I can finally start paying my bills again, but once I get the ball really rolling on that, I'm getting back into acting again too.
So here's to the good times, and to the bad times that make the good times shine that much brighter. <3